I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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