You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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