i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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