It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
