he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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