Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
