the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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