Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
