If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
