people are starting to question the shark bite story
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
