I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
