I wish my penis had an off switch
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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