College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
