I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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