Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Success! We fucked roommates!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
