he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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