I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
