i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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