You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
