can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
