We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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