I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
