Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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