she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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