you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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