So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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