just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
