I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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