Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
