just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
