On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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