Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You were trust falling into bushes
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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