I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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