You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
