Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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