Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
