Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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