I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
