Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hippo gnu deer
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have fence marks all over my body
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
