I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
