Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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