in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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