Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
