In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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