once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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