I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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