we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
