Your face is a jimmy john
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
