My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
