My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
