have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There's always time for handjobs
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
