I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
